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Best Sarcastic Quotes for You

Let us put away the “Why so serious?” face and have some fun with these funny, witty, bitchy sarcastic quotes. It’s time to be rude in humor!

Witty Sarcastic Quotes

  1. “I’m definitely a morning person but often choose to sleep straight through it.”
  2. “I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?”
  3. “Jealously is a disease…get well soon!!!”
  4. “That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”
  5. “Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
  6. “What did I do to give you the impression I actually care about what you think?”
  7. “If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”
  8. “You go girl! And don’t come back.”
  9. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”
  10. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
  11. “Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”
  12. “Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.”
  13. “Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
  14. “Tell me… Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?”
  15. “I’m smiling…that alone should scare you.”
  16. “Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
  17. “Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”
  18. “Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
  19. “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
  20. “I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
  21. “You sound better with your mouth closed.”
  22. “Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
  23. “People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world!”
  24. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
  25. “I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.”

Quotes About Being Sarcastic

  1. “Are you always so stupid or is today a special ocassion?”
  2. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
  3. “You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”
  4. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
  5. “History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” – Abba Eban
  6. “I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
  7. “Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.”- Albert Einstein
  8. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”- Murphy’s Laws
  9. “If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
  10. “If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
  11. “Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”
  12. “Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.”- Robin Williams
  13. “I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
  14. “I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”
  15. “If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
  16. “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”- Albert Einstein
  17. “If anything can go wrong, it will.”- Murphy’s Laws
  18. “I am not young enough to know everything.”- Oscar Wilde
  19. “I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
  20. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”

Epic Sarcastic Quotes

  1. “I’m not sarcastic. I’m just beyond your understanding.”
  2. “I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”
  3. “If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question.”
  4. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”- Ashleigh Brilliant
  5. “The awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced that people actually think you are stupid.”
  6. “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
  7. “Going to church doesn’t make you Christian; any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”
  8. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
  9. “Sarcasm is a body’s natural defense against stupid.”
  10. “Why you hire a photographer: That phone pic you took of yourself in your bathroom mirror really isn’t doing you justice.”
  11. “Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”
  12. “Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”
  13. “Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.”
  14. “My ex had one very annoying habit: Breathing.”
  15. “If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.”
  16. “Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
  17. “Money doesn’t make you happy. I have 50 million dollars now but I was just as happy when I only had 48 million.”
  18. “I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.”
  19. “Find your patience before I lose mine.”
  20. “Sarcasm: because beating the crap outta people is illegal.”

Funny Sarcastic Quotes On Life

  1. “Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.”
  2. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”– Oscar Wilde
  3. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
  4. “My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.”
  5. “Askhole. A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.”
  6. “The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.”– Mark Twain
  7. “The best things in the world are free – and worth every penny of it.”– Murphy’s Laws
  8. “No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
  9. “The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes, otherwise, I would have sent a letter by mail.”
  10. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
  11. “Violence won’t solve anything. But it sure makes me feel good.”
  12. “If the person isn’t taken, there’s a reason.”– Murphy’s Laws
  13. “Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.”– Murphy’s Laws
  14. “Babies are so lucky. They can sleep all day and everyone still would be proud of them.”
  15. “If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.”
  16. “Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”– Robin Williams
  17. “Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.”– Robin Williams
  18. “Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?”
  19. “All the good ones are taken.”– Murphy’s Laws
  20. “Life’s good, you should get one.”

Sarcastic Love Quotes

  1. “Call her beautiful, not hot. She’s a woman, not temperature.”
  2. “Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?”
  3. “Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.”
  4. “2 minutes of silence for those 13-17 year old girls who think their boyfriends will marry them.”
  5. “Dear weather, don’t be so cool and romantic! We’re single.”
  6. “Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.”– Murphy’s Laws
  7. “Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.”– Murphy’s Laws
  8. “If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.”
  9. “What is it called when your crush has a crush on you – Imagination.”
  10. “My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven’t found her yet.”
  11. “Ladies! Stop wasting your time looking for Mr. Right. Just find the Mr. Left and drag that idiot to the right.”
  12. “The brain is most outstanding organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.”
  13. “81% of boys have girlfriends. Rest 19% have brains.”
  14. “Behind every angry woman stands a man wh has aboslutely no idea what he did wrong.”
  15. “Single? No, I’m just in a relationship with freedom.”
  16. “Oh… I didn’t tell you. Then it must be none of your business.”
  17. “Before falling in love, remember a girl’s mood can change in just like 0.0003 seconds.”
  18. “I think I’m in a love triangle, I love myself, myself loves me, me loves I.”
  19. “Dear heart, please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood that’s it.”
  20. “Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”
  21. “It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.”– Woody Allen
  22. “Two types of people who can’t sleep at night : those who are in love and those who have good internet connections.”
  23. “Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.”– Benjamin Disraeli

Sarcastic Work Quotes

  1. “It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.”
  2. “I’m going to miss having you around to blame for the quality of my work.”
  3. “Sometimes I have my headphones in at work with nothing playing so I don’t have to interact with chatty co-workers.”
  4. “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”
  5. “The mountain of paperwork on my desk makes me envy the trees that died to produce it.”
  6. “I wish we worked together so we could hate the same coworkers.”
  7. “Let’s spend countless hours preparing for a meeting that will be delayed, canceled, or misrepresented.”
  8. “The reward for good work is more work.”
  9. “We acknowledge that there is no ‘I’ in team, but there is definitely a ‘U’ in cunt.”
  10. “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it sure helps.”
  11. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
  12. “I’d have better people skills if I worked with better people.”
  13. “Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.”
  14. “I send pointless emails late at night to impress coworkers.”
  15. “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
  16. “Some people work harder at getting the office temperature right than they do at their actual job.”
  17. “Congratulations on getting promoted to the job you’re already doing.”
  18. “Please try to schedule meetings around my job interviews.”
  19. “I wake up with a good attitude every day. Then idiots happen.”
  20. “Pride, commitment, and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.”
  21. “I’d appreciate you not complaining to me about your job until I have a job to complain about.”
  22. “Appearing busy to avoid being laid off has become more exhausting than actually working.”
  23. “When you don’t do it, you’re lazy. When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.”
  24. “This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lightning.”
  25. “The only significant difference between work and hell is probably that I would like more people in Hell.”
  26. “Office politics – you have to learn the rules of the game and then you have to play them better than anyone else.”
  27. “Leaving the office for lunch is the new vacation day.”
  28. “Dear Co-worker, Yes, please continue to talk incessantly even though I’m doing everything I can to avoid making eye contact with you.”
  29. “Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really.”
  30. “You don’t have to be crazy to work here. We’ll train you.”
  31. “I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice.”
  32. “I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”- Sarcastic Quotes about work
  33. “I actively avoid office politics by hating everybody equally.”
  34. “Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.”
  35. “Ever notice that those who whine the loudest are usually the ones who contributes the least?”
  36. “It’s so quiet in the office today, I can hear myself not working.”
  37. “I think I heard you say, ‘Blah, blah blah, blah”. Is that correct?”
  38. “I work so I can afford the amount of alcohol required to continue going to work.”
  39. “I can barely wait to take credit for your great ideas.”
  40. “Everybody brings joy to this office… some when they enter, some when they exit.”
  41. “We’re all going to really miss doing your work for you.”
  42. “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
  43. “The hardest job in the world is having to listen to you complain about having the hardest job in the world.”
  44. “There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.”
  45. “In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep.”– Albert Einstein
  46. “I should get an award for how I’ve managed to not punch you in the face every time I see you.”
  47. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

Bitchy Sarcastic Friendship Quotes

  1. “I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.”
  2. “Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”
  3. “Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
  4. “Friends come and go but enemies remain and build up.”
  5. “I’ve learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.”
  6. “I was an innocent being once…then my best friend came along.”
  7. “Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
  8. “True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.”
  9. “Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
  10. “Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
  11. “I hope we’re friends until we die then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the shit out of people.”
  12. “I love my phone because all my friends live inside it.”
  13. “Tell me how I have upset you because I want to know how to do it again.”
  14. “You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang.”
  15. “If you have crazy friends then you have everything.”
  16. “I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
  17. “Sometimes I think, ‘What is a friend?’ Then I say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.”
  18. “Good friends don’t let their friends do stupid stuff alone.”
  19. “Never let your best friends get lonely. Keep annoying them.”
  20. “You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”
  21. “You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”

Inspirational Sarcastic Quotes

  1. “Always give 100%, except when giving blood.”
  2. “I can resist everything except temptation.”
  3. “A man can be happy with any women, as long as he does not love her.”– Oscar Wilde
  4. “If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”
  5. “Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught.”
  6. “If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
  7. “Whoever said nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.”
  8. “Things will always turn out better.”
  9. “Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”
  10. “Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.”
  11. “Things will always turn out better.”
  12. “The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”
  13. “There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.”
  14. “It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.”– Paul Newman
  15. “A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”
  16. “Every calendar’s days are numbered.”
  17. “Life’s too short to worry about what other people think.”
  18. “Live a life without drama.”
  19. “Don’t ever regret anything you do.”
  20. “Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”– Ambrose Bierce
  21. “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
  22. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.”
  23. “A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.”
  24. “A conclusion is a part where you got tired of thinking.”
  25. “Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”
  26. “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
  27. “You never learn anything by doing it right.”
  28. “If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.”
  29. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
  30. “Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.”
  31. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”– Whitney Brown
  32. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
  33. “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
  34. “Don’t ever look back, the past is dead.”
  35. “As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free.”
  36. “Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.”
  37. “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”
  38. “Never test the depth of the water with both feet.”
  39. “When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.”
  40. “We don’t need CCTV camera in our country. Neighbors and relatives are enough.”
  41. “There are some people who come in your life pretending that they love you only because they need you.”– Uzair Lallmamod
  42. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.”
  43. “Don’t take life so seriously, it isn’t permanent.”
  44. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
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It's not about changing who you are, it's about becoming the best version of yourself. Change your life today by reading these amazing quotes that will inspire you to be better than ever before!