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How to start a conversation on Tinder

I think we all know this fear of the blank message screen. There is silence. No one has written to the other yet and Tinder uses funny sayings to try to get you to write your match. But there is nothing but noise in your head. You’re staring at your cell phone, not knowing what to write. Yes, it can sometimes be difficult to find the right words, especially since the first impression counts. It can decide whether the both of you get to know each other or not.

But we are here to help you. Here are our tips and tricks on how to make it easy to start a conversation on Tinder - but also on other dating platforms like Lovoo, Bumble, Badoo etc. - and break the ice. This way you will learn how to write women and men on Tinder, how to flirt properly and much more.

🤔 How to write someone on Tinder

Writing someone on Tinder is much easier than reaching out to someone on the street. And yet many of us find it so difficult. I have to anticipate one thing though: Writing someone is not rocket science. You already have a match, so at least there is interest! That should give you a boost. And please don’t feel overwhelmed by all these tips. You don’t have to stick to each one and you don’t have to internalize them as well. These tips should give you suggestions. People are different, so you may be more or less successful with one or the other tip. But in general, these tips are great and will definitely help you. Cheer up, be brave, you can do it!

The first impression counts

This old adage is still true. The first message decides whether your match will regret its decision to swipe you to the right or not. But don’t worry. The most important thing is that you finally get in touch. However, you should try to arouse the interest of your counterpart and stand out from the crowd. A lot of messages sent on Tinder are really boring. Make an effort, but let it look natural.

But before you write your match, you should spruce your profile up again. Add even better photos and make something exciting out of your bio that is worth reading. We have tips for you here: How to write a Tinder bio If you take the tips from this article to heart, it will be much easier for you to get replies, but also to get first messages. Optimizing your profile should be the first step on Tinder either way.

You should heed the following advice if you want to make a good first impression:

  • Bring your profile into shape.
  • Do not send messages that look like copy & paste. Nobody wants to be just one of many.
  • Don’t send cheap pick-up lines or well known phrases.
  • Do not become obscene and express yourself appropriately.

Show some effort

By now everyone should have noticed: “Hey, what’s up?” will rarely get you far. And by that I mean all variations of it: “Hi”, “Hello”, “How’s it going?” etc. You can probably imagine that this way of starting a conversation is far from captivating. One could argue that any message is still better than writing nothing. Yes and no. On the one hand, you shouldn’t be surprised if you don’t get a reply or a really unmotivated one, on the other hand, you take away your chance to score with the first impression at another time, which, as already said, is extremely important.

So what should you do?

  • Try to get your match’s attention by paying attention yourself. Take a closer look at the profile and find things to write about. If there are two things in the profile that don’t match, you might be able to use that. If, for example, the person’s bio says that they like to climb mountains, but also like to binge watch shows, you can ask whether one is the balance for the other or how it fits.
  • Try to find common ground and write about it.
  • Uniqueness beats everything. If a text looks as if you have sent it to tens of others, it is not well received. But if it is specially tailored for your counterpart, this can bring you many points. So don’t write chain letters!
  • If, despite all sorts of hints etc., you can’t think of anything and you’re already tempted to write “What’s up?”, try a slightly more exciting version of it. It’s better to ask what their day was like, whether there are plans for the weekend, the holidays or the vacation or how last weekend was spent. Admittedly, these questions are not exciting, but they are still better than a boring “Hey”.

Stay relaxed, be honest and get to the point

If these first two tips have already thrown you off the track, you will definitely like this one: Just stay relaxed, be honest, don’t stress yourself because of this stupid message and just get to the point. If your message looks too stiff and constructed, it makes little sense to send it and can be daunting and seem unnatural. You shouldn’t care whether your message is received well or badly, whether you get an answer or not. Keep it simple, keep it short and get to the point. If you can’t think of anything, stick to one of the best tips for life: Honesty is the best policy. You could write something like this: Hey, I can’t think of something funny to write, but I’d really like to get to know you.

Don’t wait, act

It can be pure poison if your match has been waiting for your first message for weeks. After quite a while it may be pointless to write to the person. Nobody likes to wait forever. So what if both of you are waiting for the other to make the first move? Then nothing will happen in a hundred years. So NEVER wait for the other person to take the first step. Be brave. Unfortunately, Tinder is still relatively conservative and women assume that men write first. That doesn’t mean that women can’t take the first step as well though. Men love girls with confidence! And usually guys react much more positively to a clumsy first message than women. Why? Because they appreciate that the woman approached them and not the other way around. And my tip for shy guys: You have a match with that person and there is a reason for it, so just go for it. You have nothing to lose.

Humor and emotions

Humor is sexy. Period. Show humor, make your match laugh and you can be sure that the first impression will be a good one. For example, look at the photos of your match and make amusing comparisons. Of course, that’s easier said than done. Not everyone is blessed with exuberant good humor or simply has an extremely special one. That’s not the end of the world, believe me. There are other ways to arouse emotions. Your match has some photos with their own dog, then use that information for you advantage. Ideally nothing like: “What a cute dog”, because the person will surely get such messages a lot. Maybe the dog reminds you of your grandmother’s deceased dog that you used to play with as a child. Maybe it would get along great with yours. There are countless possibilities that are exciting. You can also tell a little fib if necessary.

So what can you do to arouse emotions?

  • Scan the profile of your match and show humor or use their information in one way or another.
  • Find common ground. Yes, that was already mentioned above, but it is still important.
  • Save yourself boring questions. This includes, above all, those questions that can only be answered with “yes” or “no”.
  • Try to build a personal connection. This also works great if you’re using the name of your match.
  • Look at the photos or the bio of your match. For example, compliment something. Try to not be superficial, but comment on what makes up the person.
  • If you recognize the place on one of the photos, you can also write about it and ask how it was there. Maybe you were there too and have good memories of it?

Spelling and Grammar

Few things are as sexy as people who can handle language. But we are not all Hemingway or Goethe. It is also sufficient if your message corresponds to correct English. Check them again before you send them. Typing errors can come across sloppy. Your counterpart will probably not notice that your text is error-free, but the opposite is almost always noticeable. And please keep this in mind: If your match is not particularly talented in orthography and grammar, do not rub it in. Almost everyone appreciates good English, but no one likes smartasses.

GIFs

GIFs can be a hit or miss and it also depends on how old you are. It could seem childish or just weird. There are also GIFs that are already used way to often. However, a GIF as a first message can still work well if the picture is funny or fits the situation. Try to find something the person might like and don’t use a GIF that everyone already knows.


👩 How to write to a woman

Since there are way more men than women on Tinder, the cards are always stacked against them and they have to play against the system. Women are constantly bombarded with messages, while men often don’t get one in a week. To stand out from the crowd of competitors as a man, you have to know what the others are writing. In short: most messages are plain weird or just boring. If you follow the tips above, you’ll be more likely to stand out. And if all of this has made you even more insecure, I have a little and exciting information for you here: Women are much more choosy than men and do not match everyone. That means that there must already be a certain basic interest on their part. So be brave! You can do it!


👨 How to write to a man

We are still in a relatively conservative world, whether we like it or not. This also applies to Tinder. Even here, many women still believe that a guy has to send the first message. Nonsense. Sure, it takes a little effort, but it’s worth it! Many men are a little shy, so write them first. Women usually have it much easier on Tinder than men when it comes to getting an answer. Men honor your courage to write to them first because they know how scary it can be to take the first step. So stick to the tips above and everything will go smoothly!


👍 After the first message

It may be true that this page refers to the first message mainly, but I didn’t want to miss out on giving a few tips for the upcoming messages and and also some general ones. So you managed that your match took the bait and answered you delightedly. The best way to keep the tension going is to follow the tips below.

Take your time

It is important that you take some time to reply to messages. If your match does get a response within ten minutes, it can be irritating and even annoying at some point. So I would always wait at least an hour before sending your next message. I would even go as far as to say that I would never write more than three or four messages a day, depending on their length. The longer your messages are, the less messages I would recommend per day. Anticipation is known to be the greatest joy. But why? If you write too much, it looks like you know nothing better to do with your life than to stare at your cell phone all the time. People who stick to their smartphone are not necessarily attractive. Do not be constantly available and do something or meet up with friends. Then you also have something to tell and that makes a person much more exciting. We also always find the rarest fruits the sweetest, right?

How to flirt

Even if flirting is completely subjective, there are certain unwritten laws for it. Flirting usually works much more subtly than many people think. Small hints are usually enough and are much better than clumsy compliments. When you compliment, name something that the person could be proud of or what makes them who they are. Commenting on their looks - à la: “You are beautiful” - is usually extremely bad. “I like your style of clothing”, “cool tattoos” etc. are a lot better there. Teasing the other person lovingly without actually offending them is always good a little later. Just be careful not to actually be offensive.

Sex

Even if the only reason why you’re using Tinder is because you’re looking for sex, I wouldn’t blurt things out. Some people won’t bother or maybe are even turned on by it (that applies rather to men than women), but most people don’t like such behavior at all (that applies rather to women than men). Almost everyone wants to get to know the person with whom they want to get intimate at least a little. In any case, do not pretend something, as this will only hurt feelings. As soon as the question arises of what you are looking for, you should be honest.

Ghosting, Rejection etc.

Not every match is a lucky find. It happens again and again that you are “ghosted”, that is, the other person simply does not respond anymore, or you’re being openly rejected. The number one rule here is: Forget it. Tinder is a rich ocean full of wonderful people. Never send them a negative reaction to it, don’t grumble at them etc. Maybe your message was just not good or was not well received, the other person’s interest was not so great or - which is often the case - the person simply has not that much time and rarely uses Tinder. If the person does not answer, you can always write a follow-up message that reads something like: “Too bad you don’t answer. I was actually looking forward to getting to know you.” Then if still nothing comes, forget that person. And don’t be sad just because a person with whom it initially went very well suddenly lost interest. Show that your self-esteem is big enough to deal with such a little disgrace and don’t comment on it in any negative way. Don’t pout, but don’t verbally assault them either.

Ask for the number

It is advisable to ask for the number as soon as possible if it is going well. Very few like to write on Tinder. That way you can plan a date easier as well.

The last and probably most important tip

If things are going well, don’t write too much! If you are very interested in each other, take the chance and arrange a meeting! It happens more often than not that initial euphoria disappears due to writing for too long. Have fun on your date!

If you need help with your date, here are some great links from our own house: - 200 Date ideas - What to talk about on a first date - First Date Questions

✍️  July 30, 2020

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